The Brothers of PXL Invite You to Join Us
At Camp Okihi, North of Bakersfield
For Clamp Okihi IV -- September 21-24, 2017
"Oktoberfest Along the Kern, Clamperstyle!"
So if it's supposed to be an "Oktoberfest," why is PXL launching ours in September? Well because if we really want to do like the Germans do, we must emulate their legendary efficiency, and the Germans begin their Oktoberfest on September 16th which is . . . Mexican Independence Day!
So please won't you join the Brothers of your favorite piss poor bear wrassler, Peter Lebeck, for a great extended weekend beside the Kern River for Clamp Okihi IV - Oktoberfest Along the Kern, Clamper Style! Festivities officially start on Friday, September 22nd, but you can come as early as 2:00 p.m. on Thursday, September 21st, because our Humbug, Dale "Top" Turner, broke out his magical knee pads and convinced the Kern County Parks and Recreation Department to let us come early. Food and drink wise you'll be on your own until Friday afternoon's Meet und Greet, but you're Clampers, you'll know what to do. After all, given the state of affairs, the Germans will be a week ahead of us by then, and the pace of "Octubrefest" down in Guadalajara would be enough to kill ya!
This will be our fourth trip to Camp Okihi in Bakersfield, and it's a great location for a themed event like Top's Oktoberfest. Okihi has shade, lawns and benches. There's also an amphitheater with fire pits where we can conduct our nighttime participatory entertainment. The center of the park is lit at night, and you'll be able to fish in the river during the day provided you bring your gear and a license. You'll also want to bring your own drinking water as there is no potable water in the park. The lawns are watered straight out of the river, so please don't run over the sprinklers or try to drink out of them.
Camp Okihi will accommodate about 200 Clampers, their tents, RVs and PBCs, so there's plenty of room, just don't expect any hook-ups (at least, not with me). If you grew up in Bakersfield, then you may remember this place fondly having camped at Okihi as a Boy Scout. Redshirted Brothers who have experienced Clamping at Okihi tell us that it's one of the best places for fall Clamping in all of central and southern California - especially with the especially stupid stuff Top has planned for this weekend. We are expecting about 120 souls this trip, so you'll want to get there early to secure the best accommodations despite the size of the place. The east end of the park is closest to the fun.
So come on up to Clamp Okihi IV! Shake off that old "sturm und drang," and learn to relax the Clamper way. Top has a great weekend of faux German hijinx planned for all his munchkins. Friday afternoon starts with the Humbug's "Meet und Greet." For this event we're converting the PXL Tittie Bar (The only known Tittie Bar in all of Clamperdom®), into "Der PXL Tittegarten." Bring your favorite beer to share with the Brethren, and Top and his team will provide the delectable that will keep the camaraderie flowing. Later that night, we'll have a German style meal to pass the methane as only Clampers can do.
Then watch as the party really gets going. Karaoke, open mike, lederhosen and stein holding competitions, the Clong Show and more, are set to give your funny bone an intercostal shimmying workout. And that's just the beginning!
Top has learned the error of his ways and thinks you all ought to get up and eat breakfast instead of sleeping in. As part of his campaign to promote faux German efficiency, the PBCs and PXL Graybeards will be cooking our "famous potluck breakfast" before the fish get out of bed. Ordinary redshirts only need to show up at 7:30 a.m. to eat, though they should contribute what they can to the pot - except eggs. We don't want the chickens to miss them. Also keep in mind that on this trip the HOCO will be after dinner so don't miss lunch if you tend to have a queasy stomach.
The parks people have rented us the entire facility for this Clampout so we should have no problems engaging in our usual shenanigans, just be prepared to turn down the music after 9 p.m. so as not to disturb the neighbors down the road. Friendly dogs are ok, but be prepared to crate them. Bring firewood for the communal rings but leave the burn barrels at home.
The other thing you'll want to bring is a PBC. Top has a great crew taking care of business this fall, including our Hangman, Andy "Grimmy" Grim, who has a great sense of humor. If you've ever wanted to have a friend taken in, now is the time, and PXL is the place to do it. Top tells us that he already has about eight PBCs coming our way, so your friend will be in good company, and Okihi is a great place to learn the Clamper way. What we do ask of sponsors is that their PBC be prepared with a suitable bribe for our board and be ready to deliver a five minute historical presentation.
As his sponsor it is your responsibility to provide him with a bribe if didn't bring one, and to cram him full of a five minute history presentation if he did not prepare one. We don't ask a lot, but we do expect your PBC to stand and deliver. Any guy can wear a watermelon on his head, get oatmeal poured down his pants or crawl though the "tunnel of luv," but all that teaches a PBC is that Clampers are sadistic a**h****. The real test is whether your guy can look us in the eye and show us that he is worthy to be one of us. By 2:33 p.m. on Saturday, everybody will be on deck to see him perform and you do not want to end up being the goat, you want to be the hero.
At PXL we don't do dirty, but we do make sure that candidates experience our camaraderie first hand prior to starting their ordeal on Saturday morning so that they know why becoming a Clamper is one of the best things that could ever happen to a man. They are free to party with the Brethren through Friday night, but on Saturday we put the newbies through their paces. We give them lots of history and celebrate their ordeal with one of the finest HOCOs in all of Clamperdom. By Saturday evening every survivor knows our brotherhood and that brotherhood has its rewards. He's also guaranteed to know which side of his bread has Bondo on it.
If you've ever been to one of our Doin's then you know us Lebeckians as a bunch of friendly guys of different backgrounds and persuasions. "From Brain Surgeons to Drain Surgeons," as our Clampatriarch Emeritus, Timbo Gillespie likes to say. We make a point of making visitors feel welcome, and we aren't so big that you'll ever feel lost at one of our Doin's. In fact, about half of our members have come to us from other chapters because they feel at home with us.
But we do want to keep our chapter vibrant with new, quality brethren, particularly if they will make PXL their home base from the start, and that's what we're pitching this trip. In that vein we have delayed a proposed $20 increase to our PBC rub, which even at twice the price is a steal. For now it remains $75 if he prepays. Sorry, no retreads this trip, but new associate members are most welcome.
As for you Redshirts, due to increased expenses we've had to raise our rub $10. It probably should have been $20, but we didn't want to leave behind any Brothers on a tight budget. Those extra bucks will help make sure we break even, and hopefully give us more flexibility about where we go in the future and to help us plaque.
But if you should you have some extra dust weighing you down, don't be shy about visiting our Clampstore where our Hawker Kevn "No Eye" Horton, and his Tackles, Kodi Horton and Jim "Man Handles" Mann, will take satisfactory care of you. You (and your wallet) will be "enlightened" by the experience; but should you be especially inspired, you won't want to miss "No Eye's" Harley Davidson Raffle! Limited to 200 chances, you can be the proud owner of a vintage, tricked-out, 2001 Harley Davidson "1200 Roadster" and $250 cash. With only 3200 miles on the odometer, this package is valued at over $4,500.
Sign up by September 15th! When you do, whether by internet or snail mail, make sure you specify a dinner preference between Ribeye steak, BBQ Chicken or the Marcel Marceau pantomime special. As usual dinner comes with all the fixxin's, including Timbo-style double award winning Clamper Beans, but Airdale won't be buying much extra grub, so it's best to sign-up ASAP or you'll be eating Alpo with Jack the Dingo.
Finally we'll be wrapping up our planned Saturday Night festivities with a short raffle at 8:03 p.m., followed by more shenanigans down by the fire. All in all we expect it to be a most memorable weekend, or at least one you'll tell others you sort of remember as one of the greatest Clampouts of all time.
Make sure you make the September 15th sign-up deadline, or it's a $1000 more at the gate and we'll drink all your schnapps and schuhplattler all over Dickhead's big Mexican Sombero. Just go to our registration page to get started. It's where the rubber meets the road!
To read about Clamping with Peter Lebeck in Kern County, just read on.
ABOUT CLAMPING WITH PETER LEBECK
Kern County is a big place and it covers all kinds of terrain: from the driest portions of the Mojave Desert, to the snowiest pine forests of the Sierra Nevada; from the oak woodlands of Walker Basin to the still wild grasslands of the San Joaquin Valley. Then of course there is Fort Tejon, Pine Mountain, the Kern River Valley, the Tehachapis, and…you get the drift. Kern County IS a BIG and interesting place.
And needless to say, we do try to get around. So if you are looking for something different, always make sure to look us up when you are planning your Clamping Calendar. If you've Clamped the desert, try the mountains. If you've Clamped the mountains, try the desert. But always make an effort check with us because we may be going someplace you'd really, really enjoy, and we do get around.
PXL Clampouts are not so large that you'll ever feel lost, and not so small that you'll ever feel like you're crashing someone's private party. Brothers visiting from other chapters are always made to feel welcome, and we especially encourage you to drop by if you live in Kern County or the adjoining areas of southern and central California.
At Peter Lebeck we plan two, full-weekend Clampouts every year, one in the spring and the other in the fall, and we favor overnight outings because we believe it is the surest way to make sure that each of our Brothers makes it home safely. At Peter Lebeck we also believe that Clamping is as much about plaquing as it is about camping and camaraderie, so we try to mount at least one erection every year and we try to Clamp near by. So won't you join us for the adventure? We'll make sure you get an extra helping of Timbo's beans.